cbox

♥ Florence, over-hyperactive. I (L) eating chocolates, and I'm a klutz,as well as a trouble-maker :D I'm fourteen, and July the 15th would be awesome. I love being cheeky and childish. That's the part of me that'll never grow up. I have a mind of a five-year-old and I love putting a smile on people's faces. So if you're down, I'm always here. Netball's my passion, and I'm loving it. I'm hoping for fairytales and miracles to happen ^^. I may be naive at times, but you can't cheat me. Currently attached with baby♥, and still counting on. I'm tremendously spontaneous and hyperactive most of the times. I love sweet things, they simply melt my heart. Equal Equation, L'ove.

As the night falls, the two moves closer.
As the wind whispers, their lips locked.

I'm feeling so...dejected. Never have I felt, this dejected before. Or rather, upset. I feel terribly weak, upset, you name it, i have it. I feel like shouting every single profanity I know right now, out loud, but that wouldn't help. 'Sides, I don't think I know much. And I'm not helping myself much, by listening to more depressing songs and upsetting myself all over again. I'm killing myself. I don't know how, to make things right. I regret so much, for just lashing out loud those four words at you... And I can't take that back. But what you said was hurtful too... I guess that was my...knee-jerk reaction to your answer. I meant it as a joke, hoping that you would be...more careful with your choice of words, but I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. Instead, in a moment's mistake, those four words came out, and brought us here today.
We're falling apart, you know that. I know that it was my fault as much as you know it was. But I really didn't meant it. What was meant to be a sweet moment, turned out to be bitter. But I know, I can't really help much right now. Because, I only drag you furthur down with...my comforting, if its even comforting to you. This is killing me, so much .
I'm upset about a few things, that's absolutely hurting me and all. I don't know what to do. I really don't.

1. I'm upset about my results. I don't know, if I'd make it to the class that I really want and hope to go. Crossing my fingers and hoping to. But I know it won't help. I guess, I haven't really studied hard enough for this finals. Although I know that it was important, I put a little more effort in. I treated it like any other exam I had for the previous years. I did put everything I had, but I don't know if I did try my very best. But I really tried, really put my heart and soul into fighting for the results. But the papers were killers. Well, the two most important subjects that they take into account with. Science and Math. Where, they're my weakest link. Especially Math. I don't think there would be anything to help pull up the overall results, as both sucked. I don't know if I can do well. I don't want to disappoint Dad again. The most I can do, is to score well, obtain better results. 'Cause I love to see that smile on his face. The more he encourages me, the more remorseful I feel for not putting my very best. This is the least I can do, for lying to him so much. I know, that I have been a very bad...child. I have been lying to him the thing that he wants to keep me away from the most for the past...year or so. So much, that I would just lie whenever the situation comes up. I don't know how long I can keep up with this pretense, 'cause I think that he sees through me sometimes, just that he believes my lies, and chooses not to probe. I hate to see him being hurt, by those little things I do, that matter to him so much. Those little things he try to keep my from, getting myself hurt. I hate it, when, he loves me too much then I deserve. I hate it, when, sometimes, I think that all the source of things being so miserable and my heart being so depressing is his fault. The more he keeps me away from the one thing that I love, the more I yearn for the desire. Sigh... I don't know what to do. I suppose, I could tell him the truth. But then, he would misunderstand, and get things wrongly, which would exacerbate things. I don't know, I'm sorry.

2. I've made...a terrible mistake to L'ove. Well, not really terrible, but I think I hurt him pretty badly. I'm sorry, for lashing out those four words. I...didn't know why my instincts caused me to do that. I was so mad and angry at what you said before, that I felt so hurt and just lashed out at you. I'm sorry, sincerely sorry about that. I know, I haven't really been the best of what a girlfriend can be. And I'm sorry, I can't be...pretty or good enough in the sense, to satisfy you. I don't know...how to put this right. I'm really sorry, for what I have done, that ruined the entire day. I'm sorry, for hurting you badly this time. But I'm hurting too, and I hope you...understand, that it isn't easy for me either...I'm really sorry, for what I've done. And I hope that, I can make it up to you...But I don't know how. I'm sorry, for making you upset, when you could have a nice weekend ahead. I'm sorry, for everything I've ever done.

3. I'm feeling negative. Having negative things about things too. Like the above. Huh, that's bad huh. I don't know how to cheer myself up. Seriously speaking, I've been trying to stuff myself with chocolates today, though I know that its not gonna help either. I know its bad for my health either, but I haven't been taking care of myself lately, haven't been watching my diet with what I eat, and have been eating quite alot of unhealthy things. I wanna fall sick, and just be...sick. Have a high fever, and probably that would cause brain damage. And then I would have a memory loss, and forget everyone I know. And from there, that might be a good start again, to be friends with everyone once again, but on a better note. And then, I would be able to repent, and do things right that I have done wrong in the past. Ridiculous huh, I know. How wild can my imagination get. Sigh.


Okay, but truthfully speaking, today haven't really been totally bad after all. Not one of the worse days of my life. I have been coping better than usual, I guess. Went out to eat lunch with Kenny today, ate Astons. It was awesome food.We bus-ed there together, just the two of us. Some brother-sister day. Played alot, he was trying to cheer me up, 'cause he saw that I have been staring into the blank space and being upset. He almost saw me tear up at the sofa too, but I didn't let him see. The tears were almost spilling, of course, but I looked away and they spilled after that. I didn't know why I teared up, perhaps due to those negative things happening. I think my luck's run out. God, this is killing me. Then, while we were waiting for the food, he was kidding with me alot. He's a really really nice and awesome brother. I really can't imagine him leaving me for the army. Huh, kind of mushy. But I would really miss him. He's really the only brother in the family, the only guy in the family that I can really interact with. He makes me laugh, buys me stuff, takes me shopping, spends money on me, lends me everything that I want from him, shares with me his secrets, and everything else. But the other brothers just... come and go. And it upsets me sometimes. I want to...improve my relationship with them, but somehow, I can't. 'Cause I really just can't get close to them.... And sometimes, they simply just harm my feelings. Hurt me alot. God, I think I'm gonna tear up right now. But not yet. Sigh.....I think I would tear up in bed later on again... I'm so sick of it........

Anyway, besides those negative things, there are some positive things to look upon to.
Firstly, our family would probably be going to HongKong next month, with Crystal's family. Its a random trip, and it sort of just came up. 'Course, thats got us wired and excited. I just knew it yesterday. So yeah. Kinda good, I guess. Seeing that I haven't been on the plane since i was, 5 ? I guess.

Secondly, Mum's probably going to win $200,000. Awesome huh. She got into some lucky, I don't know what. And she was one of the winners. And its no joke. 'Cause it really is true. And we're waiting for results. 'Cause if she does win the money, she gets a limousine ride, from our house, to some hotel for a free lunch. And then the ride back, and the money. Cool huh. I don't know what she joined. But she just received the letter today. Awesome shit. Everyone was so tensed up, and excited. 'Sides, if she does win the money, I do have advantages too. Hah...Firstly, I would be able to revamp my wardrobe, 'cause she said she would give me $1000 or more is she does win. This means that I can keep half the money, and spend the other half. Cool. Yeap, everyone would get money, so yeah. Cool huh. So everyone's praying hard for her to win, 'cause there would be free money. Also, after we go to HongKong, we might go to Korea too. 'Cause Kenny would not be going to HongKong, due to his A levels. So after that, if we do win the money, we would go for a second round, to Korea with him too. But I don't know, I think its already confirmed, whether or not we win the money.

Thirdly, I'm hoping to get 5As for the finals. I'm hoping the class I get to is good too. My ideal class, hopefully. And if I do get 5As, I would get a reward from Dad, though I don't think I deserve it. Huh, sad. But still, he would get me one. Probably money too, if I don't want to buy anything. Like that, I would be able to save more money for myself, and spend me too, =) The thought of it is just so...cool. Imagine the amount of money you could have, more than enough to spend.

I think I should be contented with what I have. But sadly, I'm not. One can never get enough of satisfaction. I miss L'ove....badly. Somehow, I hope that I can just fall into his arms......Sigh.
Alrights, I shall end off this post here. I've had enough of venting for one day.
♥,xoxo.

P.S./ iloveyou, baby.
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